welcome to the [name of website removed to protect the innocent a friend] blog, I think

blog comment by The Bloggess

Author’s note: I originally published this blog post on a (now inactive) blog that I created for a friend of mine, for his mixed-drink recipe site. The blog didn’t last long – I don’t drink, so I kind of ran out of things to say about mixed drinks. But I always loved this original post… plus (and this is my favorite part!) Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess (whose work I adore, and whose narrative voice (if I’m going to be brutally honest here) I was trying to emulate) actually commented on this post (see screenshot, above). Possibly one of the highlights of my brief increasingly longer life.


So my friend Bob* suggested that maybe he should have a blog for his mixed drink recipe site, and since I know all about writing blogs, I am creating this blog for him. At some point I really want to have this blog embedded in his actual site, but I’m kind of unclear about all that technical stuff. I just write copy. And I think WordPress works better for the crazy embedding thing (I’m probably saying that wrong, aren’t I?), but I’ve never used WordPress, and I can use Blogger in my sleep (I have at least six other Blogger blogs), so I created a Blogger blog for Bob.

Lots of people One social media guru has told me that Blogger blogs can be exported into WordPress blogs, and she better be right, or this blog is always going to be attached to the rest of my blogroll. Although there could be worse things.

So anyhow, have I mentioned that I don’t drink? True. I may tell you guys that story someday. But in the meantime – yeah, I don’t drink, so this should be a total disaster lots of fun.

Bob suggested that maybe I try to relate some stories to the LCBO’s latest Food and Drink magazine, so I decided to walk to my local LCBO** to get one.

When I left my apartment I was feeling kind of groggy from a long afternoon nap, which I took because I’m PMS’ing, and I think I was also high on Extra Strength Advil or something, because I couldn’t figure out which way to go to get to the liquor store. (Because there are two ways I could go – not because I’m a politically incorrect word for a developmentally challenged person, or anything.)

As I’m walking to the liquor store I’m thinking that it’s really convenient that they put a women’s shelter right next door, because then all the angry husbands could totally stock up on liquor for their murderous stakeouts and WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING WHEN THEY PUT A WOMEN’S SHELTER NEXT DOOR TO A LIQUOR STORE?! Just saying.

I’m always kind of nervous whenever I go into the LCBO, because I hardly ever buy alcohol, and I’m afraid of getting carded. Have I mentioned that I’m over 40 years old? I should probably not be too scared of being asked to show some ID, eh?

So I needed some kind of reason to be at the liquor store – besides nabbing one of their magazines, that is – and I thought, This is great, I can pick up a bottle of vodka to use as bed bug*** repellent. Which is a really, really long and involved story, but basically I have to go to a bed bug-infested apartment building next week for work, and I am totally freaking out about the whole bed bug thing because they can climb in your clothes and travel back to your home with you and presto, your home now has bed bugs too. And I’m guessing I don’t want that to happen to me. And lots of people okay, someone I work with has mentioned that spraying alcohol on your shoes and clothes will scare the bed bugs away. In theory.

(I think she uses rubbing alcohol in her spray bottle, but I am all about saving the environment and I’m pretty sure rubbing alcohol has nasty additives in it, and vodka is all pure and comes from potatoes, or something. Or is that rum? Whatever. Anyhow, so I needed a bottle of really, really cheap vodka to put in my bed bug spray bomb.)

They have a nice selection of vodkas at the LCBO, but OMG WHEN DID MICKEYS GET SO EXPENSIVE??! (Did I mention I stopped drinking over 20 years ago?) So anyhow, I wanted to buy an all-Canadian product, but the only mickeys I could see that were Canadian were, like, all in plastic bottles, and have I mentioned that plastic makes my PMS worse? Never mind. Basically I just hate plastic. So I was all, like, which is the cheapest vodka that comes in a glass bottle? And the answer would be Absolut.

(The bottled-in-plastic Canadian vodkas were slightly cheaper, although upon closer inspection I noticed that both brands – which I totally can’t name here, and not because I don’t WANT to mention them, but basically I forget what they’re called and I also forgot to take my BlackBerry with me when I walked to the liquor store, so I couldn’t make a note of them at the time – were both bottled by the same distiller, which sounds like of dodgey to me, and suspiciously not at all like some kind of Canadian vodka market monopoly.)

So armed with my Swedish vodka I went to the cashier, and have I mentioned that the cashiers in a Canadian liquor store have absolutely no sense of humour probably deal with a really difficult clientele all day long, and aren’t always the friendliest bunch? I asked my cashier where the Food and Drink magazines were, because normally they’re, like, piled all over the exit area, but apparently in this store they keep them in tiny, neat little racks near the entrance. Which is in a different place than the exit. As if they’re trying to make it easier to catch alcoholic shoplifters improve the traffic flow, or something.

So I went back to the entrance to get my copy of Food and Drink, and not wanting to bother the nice cashier again, I slipped through an empty cash lane, and set off a discreet alarm. And tried not to run (or look back in shame) as I quickly left the store.

And when I got outside, I was all, Dude, where did I park my car? Because I don’t think I’ve ever walked to a liquor store in my life, and I totally forgot for a moment that I hadn’t driven.

And then I was all embarrassed AGAIN, thinking how I must appear totally hungover or something and I don’t even drink, and I decided to walk the other way home. Whereupon I missed my street, and had to turn around and retrace my steps about a block later. True. I am SO never walking to the liquor store again when I am high on Advil and afternoon naps, I can tell you.

So I think I need another nap now, to recover from my afternoon…

Suggested drink recipe: Backfire (As in, A lot of things about this blog post could totally backfire.)

*Not his real name

**The LCBO is Canadian-speak for liquor store. In Canada we don’t sell alcohol at the corner variety store, the way they do in the States. The government runs the LCBO. Yeah, it’s kind of fascist. Have I mentioned that the LCBO has not endorsed this blog, or anything? We pronounce it “Ell See Bee OHH,” just like it sounds. Not “Lick-bo,” or something. Although I could try to start a trend, if you like. Oh, and you can’t get beer**** at the LCBO. Just wine and spirits. Canadians buy beer at The Beer Store. That’s what the store is really called. The government must think that beer drinkers are not as bright as wine and spirit drinkers, or something. But anyhow, you can also buy wine at some grocery stores. Not quite sure how they work that. Whatever.

***I should probably point out that, at the time I am re-publishing this post (March 2012), I know an awful lot more about bed bugs than I previously did. And by the way, vodka will probably kill bed bugs on contact – as will rubbing alcohol – but it’s not instantaneous, doesn’t work as a repellent, and can damage fabrics. It would probably be really responsible for me to direct you to this government site about bed bugs right about now, so that you can get some accurate information.

****As you can see from the comment screenshot above, an anonymous commenter kindly corrected me on the “LCBO not selling beer” point. I should rebut by saying that I think (think!) the LCBO only sells imported and artisan beer. Not the popular local swill (i.e. Molson’s or Labatt’s) that comes in two-fours (cases of 24). (I think.)

Added later: This is so cool. A photo of a Beer Store in Stratford, Ontario. Taken by one of my favorite bloggers. WARNING: Adult content.